The first glimpse of depression

when you're lonely... the heart cries out...
when nightmares return, again and again to haunt you...

you can't sleep, for fear of dreaming.
you can't close your eyes, for terror lurks in the shadows...

... I'm scared...

but my fear is the opposite...

I'm scared of waking, because the next day brings time on wings.
I'm scared of opening my eyes, because it means that a new day has risen...

time flies... like a flash, a wave... a ghost of a memory long gone to past...

whats there to live for? when your life is in shambles?
whats there to hope for? when you only see mockery in people's eyes?
whats there to fight for? when all you see is defeat?

... life in army is so phobia-inducing that i live in constant fear and apprehension at what is going to come next...

... i lost one battle.. will I lose the next?

.. again? and again?.. and again...

... so many questions.. so little answers...



....



so many conflicting remarks, responses and replies...



I just want to live the life I used to live...

carefree and happy...

instead of constantly living in the shadow of fear...



... I don't think I could have survived, if not for a single thread that I clinged on so tight onto...

... love.

...its sounds mushy and stupid right?....

but.. its all I have, all I am now...

I've even lost myself in depression..



... mindlessly waiting for the person I love to hold me close again...


... I'm so alone... missing you..



*cries*

I want my Alvin...

WeEE~!

Greetings from MALAYSIA. *don't laugh nicholas*

YoZ! Greeting from Malaysia - Truly ASIA.



umm.. we're in a lao-kok-kok internet cafe in KL now and we've only 5 more minutes to get everything done before the entire system hangs and we go kaput.



*cough*



%^@)!& we still havn't managed to get to KL's Chinatown to grasp their "fantastic offers" and I'm already extremely low on cash.



bleah.



so many incidents. so many unforseened events. Its quite pissifying.



Fortunately I have Alvin - the chipmunk with me now.



and..



yup.



I'm going to annoy all of you by posting Alvin and the Chipmunk Christmas songs for the next 10 days!



*grins*



* Merry Christmas! *



or.... rather.



- hari... kristmas. - zzzz

Wee~ Finally, a holiday break!
And I'm going to spend it with.... HIM!!

xD

Its also going to be the first time I'm going to be overseas with hardly any experience... =X

=)

But.... I hope we'll have a great time!

I'm so happy and excited!

WeE!~!

*hugs*

Choices.

And so it passes... Basic Military Training is over.

And I have made the choices and decisions for my next two years of my NS life that are irrevocable...

I still have some hesitations, and many nightmares about my choice... and what it would represent...

... everybody had such high hopes in me...


sometimes, I feel like I've let so many people down... and myself too...

but it is a choice, and a path I would've taken even if I tried otherwise too...

Well, its goodbye to OCS and SISPEC. And I'll be worse off then 90% of my friends... in terms of NS.







My life, begins earlier.

The Last Days in BMT

BMT is almost over... The future seems really unsure and bleak for me now...

sigh... seems like I've fallen a long way since I vowed to do my best for this 2 years...

My resolve wavered and eventually crumbled to dust..

I'm really quite a sad case, I admit it myself...


=/


But over the course of time in BMT, I realized that I'm just not built for a military life, in spite of its physical nature and glorious agenda...

I learned a vast load of lessons in BMT, notwithstanding a few like -

1) I learned that "I" is the biggest motivator. There is no bigger motivator then "I". Without such, you can do nothing.

2) God DOES answer prayer directly after all!

3) Field camp is not meant for everybody. Going through it does not mean that you would be able to go through another one without difficulty again.

4) Leaders are bred, - from a long, long time ago. They are the ones who know when to fall, and they are the ones who take pride in their own achievements.

5) Life in the army is terrible, beyond your wildest imagination.



... and so, Andrew rethought his decision to be an officer, within the second month, rethought his decision to be a specialist, within the third month, and decided to tone down...



=/



Andrew is not suppose to be like that...

is he?

Sometimes... life takes you down paths that you don't want to, with no choice... But when the choice comes, you weigh the consequences and the outcomes...

sure, 9 months in OCS for the glory of being an officer - but just for the pride of becoming one?
Or is it the pat on the back that you have proven your worth?

my pat on my back is that if I manage to get a non-combat vocation, I'd never have to go through field camps, live firing and route marches again.

sure, 6 months in SISPEC for the glory of being a sergeant - come again? Sergeant? They're just barely above the rank of corporal, which is what most "non-command-school" people become. And for 6 months of hell?

... rethink.

Life in BMT was bad.
Nobody disagrees with me that life in Command School is worse.

Life in BMT is worst. - RE: WORST.
Can you imagine how life in Command School would be?




I stand by my opinions that I would be able to contribute to the SAF in greater capacity were I to maximize my skills (i.e. in Public Relations/Video Production/Music etc.)



I'm not really a leader, as much as I tried my best in the past...



"I" motivates "Me" to veer my course towards another, possibly brighter future...